Missing What You Never Had
by Kayotics
Summary: Under the quiet evening sky, Cartman reveals a little more about himself than he wanted to. [Kyle and Cartman friendship fic]


This is a very short and somewhat personal drabble about Cartman. It's not really well fleshed out (I didn't try to write it very well and the plot is a bit lackluster) and it's not meant to continue past this, but I might take the idea and rework it into something different. This was mostly a drabble to get something personal off my chest, so I am not concerned with it being good. The boys are probably about 16 or 17 here. There's no romance, and if you want to look into it you can, but the relationship between Kyle and Cartman is meant to be something more along the lines of some sort of weird friendship.

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**Missing What You Never Had**

The cool, evening air was just what Eric needed, giving him the opportunity to just _breathe_ for a little bit. He could hear his heart pounding and feel the lump in his throat, but just getting out of that house was enough to clear his head, just for a little bit. If he waited outside long enough, he knew the guys would get over it. They always did.

Eric sucked in as much air as his lungs could hold and, after a moment, breathed it out, trying to calm down. When he finally felt his nerves calm, he sat down on the porch steps, the planks groaning under his weight.

It wasn't long before he heard the door opening behind him, right on schedule. The person stepped out lightly and closed the door behind them. There was a heavy pause before he heard, "Cartman, what the fuck was that about?"

Eric decided to turn around to meet Kyle's gaze. Kyle had been the last to hit puberty, going from the shortest of them to towering over all of them but staying just as scrawny. His braces had been removed earlier that year, and his hair was just as unmanageable as it was when they were kids. Eric didn't answer for a moment, taking his time to figure out what he might have been thinking. Kyle looked pissed, his lightly freckled face was red and splotchy, and he was breathing harshly through his nose, coming out in great huffs that fogged in the chill air.

Eric scoffed and turned back to look out the yard and said, "None of your business, Jew."

He could feel Kyle's anger grow behind him, but it wasn't like he hadn't dealt with it before. As long as Kyle didn't resort to physical violence, Eric knew that he could always one-up Kyle.

"None of my business?" spat Kyle, and he walked forward to stand next to Eric, looking down his big nose with a piercing gaze. "You fucking punched my best friend in the mouth for no fucking reason! How is that not my business?"

For a moment, Eric saw red. But he knew that if he lost control, Kyle would win. That couldn't happen. That can never happen. Losing control around Kyle was the worst possible thing. So he looked away, breathed in, and said, "If you don't think I had a reason, then you've got no idea what you're talking about."

Maybe that wasn't the right thing to say, because Kyle's demeanor changed from completely enraged to something more sympathetic, and if Eric had to deal with one of them, he'd rather deal with furious Kyle. He sat down next to Eric and wrapped his jacket closer to his rail-thin body.

"Cartman…" Kyle breathed. There was a distinct space between them, one that Eric didn't want to shrink for the life of him.

"I know… I know that you hate me," Kyle whispered, and Cartman didn't bother to correct him. Eric didn't hate _Kyle,_ he hated who Kyle _was_. If Kyle wasn't a fucking red-headed Jewish bastard, they'd get along much better. Kyle continued, "And you know that I'm not really a fan of you either. But if you need someone to talk to, uh." There was a long pause, and Eric didn't bother to look over to Kyle while he collected his words. It was rare to see him like this, vulnerable and weak, that he didn't want to ruin it by laughing at how pitiful he was being. "I'll listen. If you need to talk to someone."

Eric laughed. "Even if you would be able to even _begin_ to understand what I'm going through, what makes you think I'd trust you enough to tell you what I'm feeling?"

Kyle looked appropriately uncomfortable, but then it quickly turned to anger. "Like it or not, we've been through a lot of shit together. For some weird reason, Kenny and Stan and I all hang around you still, even though you treat us worse than dirt," Kyle snapped, rising from his spot on the steps. "I thought I'd at least pretend to be your friend, since no one else seems willing to even do that."

At this, Kyle started stomping toward the door.

Eric couldn't help but turn and watch, glaring angrily at Kyle's back. Kyle stopped at the sliding door, his frail-looking fingers grasping the handle tightly. He turned and looked back at Eric.

"Fuck you, Kyle," Eric growled, putting as much venom into his voice as he could. Kyle's face contorted into a weird expression of anger and disgust. As he moved to open the door, Eric said, "You don't even know what he said!"

Kyle paused, his body tense and ready to fight. Then, he stepped away from the door and whispered, "What?"

"Stan, I mean. You don't even know what he said to me."

A pause. Part of Eric wished that Kyle wouldn't believe him, but the other part wanted him to push the issue. Ask more.

Then, "What did Stan say?"

"He said I was lucky," Eric said. He paused long enough for Kyle to get angry at him, and continued with, "I was lucky that I didn't have a dad. So I punched him."

Kyle's shoulders slumped in defeat. Eric turned away from the house again, and listened as Kyle walked forward and sat next to him again. The space between them wasn't any closer, but it felt less antagonistic.

"Cartman… You know Stan didn't mean…" Kyle trailed off, unable to continue.

"Mean what, Kyle? How the fuck am I supposed to take that? 'Oh, Cartman, you're so lucky that you don't have a _dad_, mine is so awful when he tries to show me affection and love and care!" Eric ended up shouting, his anger coming out in fierce bursts and his heart pounding in his chest. "That's not even the first time it's happened!"

"Cartman, that's not what he meant," Kyle said, and Eric couldn't help but notice his voice was very small.

"Then what _did_ he mean?"

"You _know_ how Randy gets. Of course Stan loves him, but he… Well, he was obviously insensitive to say that to you, but you're not helping."

"What are you fucking saying?"

"Maybe he just meant he didn't want to deal with that for once! Okay? I don't know! I'm not Stan. But Randy isn't the greatest dad in the world, so…"

Eric laughed hollowly. "Well neither was mine. When he was alive, he didn't even bother to pick up a phone, let alone let me know who he was."

Kyle didn't have anything to say to that, so he folded his arms over his chest and held his coat tighter.

"You were there for that too, weren't you? You all were. How my mom lied to me and told me that I didn't have a father," Eric murmured.

"Technically, you killed your father," Kyle commented.

"Well. Yeah. But do you think that doesn't bother me? My dad was dead before I even got to meet him, and I'm the one who put him in his grave. Way to go, me," Eric joked, but neither of them laughed.

They sat on the steps for a little while longer, watching their breath mist in the evening air.

"You're right," Kyle said after a few minutes of silence, "I can't relate. I don't understand at all."

Eric turned to look at Kyle, who was still looking up at the sky. There was something weird about their relationship. What they had wasn't quite a friendship, but they couldn't really seem to get rid of each other. Things were a lot less entertaining without Kyle around.

Kyle wasn't finished apparently, because he continued with, "Even if my dad had died when I was young, I probably would have known him, right?" Eric nodded, and Kyle glanced at him for a moment before going back to look at the sky. "Are you sad about it?"

Eric sighed. "How can I be sad about a man I never even met?"

There was a tense silence, before Eric felt he had to break it. "When there was a chance he was alive, there was always that hope, you know? That some day I'd get to meet him. Or he'd call." He took a moment to pause, his breath coming out in labored puffs. "Like, if he called, I'd get to at least hear his voice."

Kyle said nothing in response.

"Randy might be a stupid alcoholic that gets his family into trouble, but he's done a lot more for Stan than my dad ever did for me."

Finally, Kyle asked, "Do you miss him?"

"I can't miss something that I never had in the first place."

Kyle's eyes widened, though he still wasn't looking at Eric. "That makes a lot of sense," Kyle breathed, and finally he looked at Eric for just a moment before glancing down. Suddenly, he stood to go inside.

As he reached the door, Kyle hesitated, and said, "I'll tell Stan what he did wrong, but you should really apologize for punching him."

Eric didn't nod, and he didn't promise he would apologize, but Kyle didn't wait around for an answer. He simply opened the glass door and walked inside the house, leaving Eric outside.


End file.
